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Guy Walks Into a Bar

Notes From the Frozen Ground Pt. III

Written by Matt Sadler

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

After a few days in the Great White North, I started to acclimate and even settle into a routine. It began to remind me of the movie Groundhog Day. I would wake in the morning and bundle up to go outside and have a cigarette, go find a place to eat, kill time watching T.V. and then go to the show. After the show I would go drinking with the comics and then take a cab back to the condo and sleep.

The first week there I got a roommate at the condo. He was a comedian from Calgary and we hit it off pretty well. He was a lot younger than me. Half my age to be exact. It was funny to talk with him because he was eighteen years old and had the perspective of a person with eighteen years behind him.

Everything was new and exciting to him. Things that had long ago lost luster for me were fresh and wonderful to him.

For starters, he had just discovered the music of the Doors. I will admit that there was a time in my life when Doors music had been exciting. It had once seemed subversive and rebellious. Then, starting in the late Eighties, a slew of movies about Vietnam were released and I swear every one of them had at least two songs by the Doors to really make the point hit home that you were watching a movie about something that happened in the 1960's.

I became so inured to their music that now whenever I watch a movie that has a Doors' song in the soundtrack, I can actually hear the director's voice in my head, saying...

"Yep! This scene definitely takes place in the 60's. No question about it! You can totally tell it's the 60's because they're playing a song by the Doors! No way this scene could be taking place in the 40's. No sir! This sure is something that happened in the Sixties."

Then there was the matter of alcohol. In Alberta the drinking age is 18. My new friend was fascinated with this wonderful and exciting fluid called beer. He loved the taste of it and the way it made him feel after two or three of them made their way into his pristine and relatively unmarred system.

I on the other hand, will occasionally have a beer in the morning to stop my hands shaking long enough to shave without accidentally opening an artery.

It was fun to watch him be excited about these things, though. Kind of like when you put a puppy and an older dog in a room together. At first the old dog is nonplussed by the hyper antics of the puppy. Eventually, he begins to warm to the young dog's playfulness and begins to romp and carry on like a much younger dog.

It was the week before Christmas and the crowds were surprisingly good. They showed up at the shows full of good cheer and with God resting them merry.

That week ended with a sigh and my new friend went back home to be with his family. The club was closed on Monday and Tuesday, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, respectively. The people that own the club are a very nice couple who were concerned being that I still had another week in Canada that I would be alone on Christmas Eve. So they invited me to their house for their annual party.

They told me to be ready by 6 p.m. when they would be by to pick me up and take me to their party which would feature a hundred guests, exotic and delicious foods and a bottle of vodka just for me.

At around 8:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, I realized they had forgotten about me.

I sat in the condo by the door in a suit and tie, staring at my cell phone and softly singing...

"Have yourself...a merry...(sniff) little Christmas."

They both felt terrible and apologized profusely, but the truth was that I rather enjoyed myself for those two days. I had plenty to eat and drink and I watched It's a Wonderful Life with a few cocktails and prepared for the week to come.

My last night in Canada was New Year's Eve. We had two shows and in both shows I crushed¹.

Normally New Year's Eve shows in a comedy club end with a countdown at midnight and then everyone leaves. In Edmonton, they do the countdown at midnight and then they stay open, serving drinks and food until 2 a.m.

The major problem with this is that after killing in front of 400 people, I was in a room with them and every single person wanted to do a shot with me.

Making it even worse was the fact that at least 100 of those people wanted me to go outside and smoke a joint with them.

You know, that night I found myself wishing I were 18 again.

^{1. Crushed v. tr. Performed so incredibly well as a comedian during
a given set that the audience was beside themselves with peals of
laughter and applause. An adjective reserved for only the most rare and
successful of shows*.}

^{* Beware the veracity of the story if any comedian uses this word to describe a show that you yourself were not in attendance.}