 Attention oppressed citizens of Cuba: Castro es BUENO! According to an article on excite.com,
"The Cuban
government sought to reassure citizens after Fidel Castro temporarily
ceded power for the first time in 47 years, releasing a statement from
the world's longest-serving head of government saying his health is
stable, his spirits good and the defense of the island guaranteed." And
Juventud Rebelde, the Communist youth newspaper, proclaimed, "The
Revolution Will Continue While Fidel Recovers." [Castro]
apologized for not giving more details, but said the threat posed to
his government by the U.S. means his health must be treated as "a state
secret." But exiled Cubans are already dancing on his grave. "I don't
care if they say how he died. I'm already celebrating and I have my
suitcases ready for me to go," one unidentified caller told Radio
Mambi, adding that she was skipping work to revel in the news. I can't
help but think of Woody Allen wearing the Castro beard in his movie
Bananas. Friggin' hilarious!
In breaking Fidel news, I'll give you 2 to 1 that Fidel Castro doesn't make it through the weekend. According to an article on cnn.com,
"Online gamblers are placing bets on which day or month the 79-year-old
Cuban president will die." Get your credit cards ready because the odds
are shooting through the roof. The article explains, "Those placing
$100 on Castro dying this month will reap $350 if he
does. Those betting $100 he'll die in December will take home $600 if
they're correct." Holy crap! I'm getting in on that action! Screw the
college plan, honey. I'm betting Castro doesn't make it to Labor Day.
Listen up, American rock and roll bands. Elton John is fed up with you! Now get some fashion sense, dammit! According to an article on statesman.com, "Elton John is sick of your tattoos and
piercings ... he'd like American bands to
adopt the cutting-edge, glam-rock style made popular by his peers." The ancient drag queen went on to say, "It's been a thing the British have always been very good at, with Bowie, myself, T.Rex, the Who, Queen ... I'm
so over the tattoos and the T-shirts and
rings through the noses. It's not pretty, it's not pleasant, it's not
exciting. Please stop it now." And we Americans are SOOOOO over all
your bitching and whining. Please stop it now! By the late 1980s,
people were so tired of all the glam and new wave shit that by the time
Nirvana came on the scene, everyone was ready to throw their skinny
ties, big sunglasses, and pink, spiky wigs in the garbage. And now
Elton wants it back? Heaven help us.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it? According to an article on cnn.com,
"A bar waitress checking to see if a customer was legally old enough to
drink looked down to see a familiar photo. It was her own." The
waitress called the police to tell them she was handed her own stolen
ID by a young woman trying to prove she was old enough to drink booze.
The police Capt. Guy Turner explained, "The odds of this waitress
recovering her own license defy calculation." Apparently the young
woman ran off. Can't blame her, though. How do you explain that one? Uh, no, this isn't your ID card. What do you mean the picture looks like you and not me? I'm highly offended that you think I don't live at 631 Riverbend Terrace something... What's my zip code again? Let me look at that thing. I gotta go...
The most profound news of ALL TIME broke this past week. Lance Bass, singer and that guy in the background of N Sync, finally came out of the closet. According to an article on cnn.com, "Lance Bass, band member of 'N Sync, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship with a reality show star." That's an oxymoron, isn't it? Lance explains in painful detail, "I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys'
careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said
(that I was gay), it would overpower everything." Whew! What a relief. For years, I thought they were ALL gay, not just Lance Bass. Now, if only that guy with the unibrow would just come out and be done with it. He's gay for sure, I just know it. Before we move on, I just have to make a comment about the recent cover of People magazine. I'm sure Lance feels much better that he's traumatized us all with the revelation of his dark secret but what is the point of agreeing to be on the cover of a magazine with the headline "I'M GAY!" and a photo with that come-hither look on his face? Give me a friggin' break! It's not a revelation as much as it's an "I'm available!" proclamation to the entire gay nation. Yoo-hoo!
The award for "Gimmick of the Week" goes to Oasys Mobile, who may have come up with the funniest idea I've heard in the last 30 minutes. According to an article on msnbc.com, "Oasys Mobile has created a “Mel in Malibu” ringtone with a professional actor impersonating Gibson’s infamous tirade." Any other celebrities in the near future? Company spokesperson Gina Torres explains, "We’re looking towards doing something with Lindsay Lohan ... We’re waiting until she gets hospitalized again and then we’re
going to have the sound of an ambulance siren in the background and
this husky-voiced Lohan sound-alike blaming it on dehydration. She’s
already been hospitalized three times this year, so we figure we won’t
have to wait long." I'm ready to annoy my coworkers with that one. Other celebrities perfect for scandal ringtones:
- Tom Cruise's rant about anti-depressants on the Today Show.
- Charlton Heston's speech about prying a gun from his cold, dead hands.
- Any speech by President George W. Bush.
- Michael Jackson talking about children.
Final thought: Odds that Fidel Castro will make an appearance before August 13th, 2006 (according to www.betcris.com): 13.5 to 1. Odds that Fidel Castro will not make an appearance before August 13th, 2006: 1 to 16.5. Good luck!
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