"Let us give thanks for this bounty and for the scurvy dogs with whom we are
sharing this meal, argggggh!"
Yep, it's going to be a pirate Thanksgiving at our house. How could it not,
what with me wearing an eye patch over my left eye and not having showered for
three days? I could take a shower, I guess, but the thought of the sight of
myself naked in an eye patch scares me more than a bout of scurvy.
So I'm ripe and have no depth perception... and I've had a few nips of rum I
pillaged from my neighbor. All I need now is a parrot and a peg leg and I'm
ready to set sail on the perfect Thanksgiving meal for my family and friends.
This whole pirate themed holiday started on Sunday when I was sitting on the
couch minding my own business, when pouf! Something landed smack dab in the
middle of my eye. I let loose a torrent of salty language befitting Jack
Sparrow himself, but to no avail. But, it being Sunday and me being adverse to
spending all me booty on a emergency room visit, I decided instead to take my
restless leg pill, which always knocks me out cold, and call my optometrist in
the morning.
The next day, Dr. Mike, confirmed that there was indeed something in my eye - a
tiny speck of metal. Teach me to listen to AC/DC without eye protection.
An hour later,
after he'd pulled out every optometric tool at his disposal - the numbing eye
drops, the Q-tip, the tweezers, the spatula you hold over one eye while
flipping pancakes with the other, the "drill," and the speculum (I'm not sure
about the latter, as I was blind at that point) - the foreign body had been
removed from my eye. Unfortunately, it had been replaced by a huge divot
in my cornea which Dr. Mike assured me would hurt like a flogging on the high
seas once the numbing drops wore off. He sure knows how to sweet talk a wench.
Since my eye was
now also extremely sensitive to light, he fitted me with an eye patch. I wanted
one in fuchsia to match my earrings, but all he had was basic black. Oh well,
at least it was slimming. I was, however, a little hesitant to drive home
in that condition, so I stopped next door at the Dollar Store and bought a
Jolly Rogers flag and ran it up my radio antenna to warn the commuting public
there were rough seas ahead.
That's why my
family will be celebrating Pirate Thanksgiving, but it might not be a bad idea
for yours to do the same. After all, you know that by mid-meal there is going
to be some kind of mutiny (either over who gets the turkey leg or who carves
the Tofurky). And wouldn't it be great if you had the option of making your
sister or your cousin walk the plank, even if it just leads out the living room
door?
Here are some
quick tips for celebrating a Pirate Thanksgiving:
-
Hide treasure in the stuffing inside the turkey. And no, oysters
don't count as treasure. I recommend leftover Halloween candy no one wanted.
-
Make sure to have plenty of rum on hand and serve it in
generously-sized mugs. That way, everyone will be happy, even if the potatoes
taste like bilge water.
-
Divide the pumpkin pie into pieces of eight.
-
Following the meal, have everyone sing a nice sea shanty. There's
nothing that brings a crew together like a little drunken singing at the top of
their lungs. It's also a good way to alienate the neighbors so they don't come
over expecting leftovers.
-
After dinner, everyone has to help swab the decks. None of this
lad/lassie thing, where the lads lie around with their hands down their
pantaloons while the lassies clean up.
-
When all is done, the saucy wenches get to go out holiday
shopping while the scurvy dogs stay home and scream at the Buccaneers.
Meanwhile, I've
got to put me hands on a bird and a peg leg. I just hope I don't drive off the
road this time. Gangway!
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Quirkee Voices 
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