I wouldn't give you two cents for no cat. You mess with me and my German shepherd will tear your throat out. A cat don't do dick but sit around and look at you. What are you always writing about cats for?-Dale, Cleveland

Cats are my pals. You think cats don't do anything but sit around? Listen to this. When I get home from work, I like to lie down on my bed and just unwind. The cat Dizzy won't let me, though, unless she can do it too. If I close my door she meows piteously until I let her in, then she comes rushing in with a yell and jumps on my bed with me. She walks around in circles, then curls up right next to me, whereupon she begins sucking her tail and digging her claws into my side. You know what that is? That's l-u-v, baby. That old German shepherd of yours will eat you up if you have a heart attack at home and fall down and don't move for a while. Alive or dead, he doesn't care. He heard the dinner bell the moment you fell down, and there won't be anything left to find of you but a chewed up hip bone. He'll be happy, but where will you be? That's why I like cats.

Why? She's busting your hump, that's why. That cat knows you don't like her, am I right? Do you ever pet her or talk to her-even a "How you doing?" You ever give her a Pounce treat or some kind of nibble? I thought not. She's just trying to spook you. You show her a little respect and maybe she'll leave you alone. Then again, maybe she won't. She might be nuts, for all I know.

My cat is such a bitch I can't believe it. She's affectionate when she feels like it, but whenever I want to pet her she looks at me like I'm some kind of leper and runs away. When she does that I feel like kicking her arrogant little butt.-Tina, Lakewood

I know how you feel. Our cat acts like Jackie Onassis all the time, too. "I'll be affectionate when it serves me, but don't you touch me, peon." Some cats are like that. Our previous cat, Tootie, was always affectionate and always liked to be stroked. She was a big eater, too. She was a fat animal that enjoyed being manhandled and rubbed. What can I tell you? Different kinds of people, different kinds of cats.

You know, I really think my cat Shasta was an Egyptian queen in a previous life, maybe even Cleopatra. She has a regal bearing and we have psychic communication as well, where she gives me imperial commands and predicts the weather. I also wear a mystical cat amulet around my neck and Shasta sometimes communicates with me through that.-Rena, Lyndhurst

It sounds like your cat ought to be pooping in a rubber litter box and you, too. You're crazy as a bedbug.

What does it mean when my cat hides behind the couch cushions and flattens her ears and crosses her eyes? It's quite alarming.-Steve, Cleveland.

Your telling me! Our cat does it too. All I can think of is that it's a psychotic episode; I'd like to pretty it up for you, but that's what I think. It's almost like a hostage situation when they're like that; you try to talk them out. I wouldn't put my hand anywhere near their heads when they're psycho. Gradually their ears will pop back up and their eyes will straighten out and everything will be back to normal. So to speak.

My cat Trudy sits upright in chairs with her legs spread and her arms hanging over her stomach and it looks really bad and not at all catlike. Is she maybe a slob or a loser or something? - Traci, Lakewood

I wouldn't worry about it; she probably wants to look like you when you're sitting in a chair. It may be her way of saying, "Hey, look at me, I'm just like you, and I should eat that way, too." Don't bring out the Cheerios and the steak quite yet, though. Cats ought to eat cat food, and it may be that your cat is just informal. Nothing wrong with that either.

---

Tag this article: