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All I Want for Christmas is Ham Soda

Written by Scott Semegran

Thursday, 15 November 2007

Wondering what to give your family for Christmas or Hanukah? Besides a Quirkee Knowledge 2008 Calendar, why don't you give them a refreshing ham soda? According to an article on cnn.com, "Jones Soda Co., the Seattle-based purveyor of offbeat fizzy water, is selling holiday-themed limited-edition packs of flavored sodas. The Christmas pack will feature such flavors as Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham. The Hanukkah pack will have Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas." Mmm... Christmas Tree Soda! "As always, both packs are kosher and contain zero caffeine," Jones said in a statement. Thank God. You can't be worried about calories or kosherness when you're downing a meat-flavored soda. Last year's holiday pack was Thanksgiving-themed, with Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas. How's this for a holiday equation? Turkey and gravy soda + ham soda = barf.

Have you ever experienced déjà vu? It's a pretty disconcerting experience that is very real and pretty bizarre. Now, this isn't déjà vu, but it's pretty damn close. And I'll tell you why in a bit. According to an article on 9news.com, "A man was in jail Saturday after refusing to sign a $15 jaywalking ticket." Leroy Franklin Cladd Jr. was cited for not using a crosswalk. He balked at signing the ticket, a misdemeanor that landed him in jail. And what a night it was for him, I'm sure. Now, why is this like déjà vu for me? This exact scenario happened to me. Exactly! When my wife and I were engaged, we went downtown to celebrate with some friends, when low and behold, we crossed 6th Street and were cited for jaywalking by an asshole police officer. When I refused to sign the ticket, pointing out that dozens of other couples crossed in the same spot, I was thrown in the police van and spent the night in jail. I was the laughing stock of the courtroom the next day, let me tell you. How embarrassing.

The "Scumbag Lawyer Award" this week goes to Jeff Adams, the lawyer for a man charged with raping a 23-year-old woman early Thursday morning near Interstate 71 in Cincinnati. According to an article on wlwt.com, "A lawyer for the man accused of raping a University of Cincinnati student said the encounter could have been consensual because the woman has a history of sleepwalking." Prosecutors told Mr. Scumbag that the woman takes prescription medication and has a sleepwalking condition. So what does Mr. Scumbag have to say about that? "It goes to consent," the Scumbag said. "How is he to know she is sleepwalking, if it's a dream 'yes' or a real 'yes?'" And how are we to know if this lawyer is a "dream" scumbag or a "real" scumbag? It's pretty obvious, isn't it? And if I was this young woman's father, I'd be kicking this lawyer's ass right now.

I'm for equal rights of the sexes, races, creeds, and whatever else floats your boat. And I'm particular for the Bara Brost (Bare Breast) campaign in Sweden. According to an article on Yahoo.com, "A group of Swedish women have launched a campaign to go topless in local swimming pools." God bless their campaign. "Our aim is to start a debate about the unwritten social and cultural rules that sexualize and discriminate against the female body," said Astird Hellroth, a 21-year-old student. You got it! "It's important that women have the same rights as men," said another campaigner, 22-year-old Ragnhild Karlsson. Of course! But believe it or not, there are sour-pusses in the world bent on destroying this campaign. "Swimming pools generally require men to wear swimming trunks, and women to wear either bikinis or one piece swimsuits," said Inger Grotteblad, a spokesman for the Uppsala leisure centre and abysmal party-pooper. "There are three reasons for this. First, there is a security aspect, then there is a hygiene issue and finally there is what we call 'prevailing manners and customs'." OK Inger, how is a woman flashing her boobies a "hygiene issue?" I can't see how men would not support this campaign; it's a win-win situation for men of the world by supporting equal rights and getting an eyeful. Viva Bara Brost!

And finally, a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons. But this is the wrongest of the wrong reasons. That's right, I said wrongest. According to an article on abcnews.com, "A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death an act he believes cursed him." P. Selvakumar married a stray dog that was chosen by his family members in hopes of curing an affliction he believed was brought on after he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. "After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear," he said. Well, P. Selvakumar, karma is a bitch, isn't it? Apparently, an astrologer had told Selvakumar the wedding was the only way he could cure the maladies. Fortunately for him, the astrologer didn't tell him to jump off a cliff because it looks like he would have done that too. The thought of this man on his honeymoon with a feral dog makes me want to vomit. Gotta go...