 Through a very painful system of trial and error, the wife and I have achieved a codified system of rules. These rules have been established in order to perform a more perfect union, to keep the general peace in our abode and prevent anyone from doing anything before "turning the gun on themselves."
One of the Systems for Equality that was established early on concerns our respective birthdays. Birthdays can be a difficult and resentment-inspiring time of year for couples. What with, "Hey, I spent more on you than you did on me!" and "I most certainly did NOT mention that a threesome might be fun!" and the other various arguments that can occur.
We decided to screw all that noise and we drafted the Sadler House Bill
#102 Concerning the Establishment and Rules of Birthday Week.
"It is hereby ordered and established that from henceforth no gifts
monetary, sentimental, physical or otherwise shall be expected or
delivered by either party on or in recognition of the birthday of
either party."
That's right. No gifts. For anyone. Instead, the Honoree gets to spend the entire week exploring new levels of debauchery and depravity.
"It is further ordered that in place of any physical gift, that the
establishment and recognition of Birthday Week shall hereby and in
perpetuity be observed on an annual basis between said parties of the
Sadler Household."
With that, I present to you...
The Sadlers' Completely Awesome and Legally Binding Rules for Birthday Week
- Birthday Week shall begin at midnight, exactly one week before
the actual birthday of the birthday boy or girl and shall end at
midnight on the date of the honoree's actual birthday.
This is extremely important for a successful Birthday Week. If the
week begins after the actual birthday, by day two or three the other
party starts to resent the sense of entitlement from the honoree and
besides, isn't the birthday already over? By starting the week 7 days
prior to the actual birthday, by the time the resentment has reached
its apex, the birthday proper has arrived and must be observed with due
enthusiasm.
- For the duration of birthday week, the birthday boy or girl is
allowed to indulge in whatever urge or fancy strikes the honoree (with
the tacit understanding that the Birthday Week of the spouse shall be
reasonably commensurate with said urges or fancies).
Translation: You get to do whatever the fuck you want, Player! It's
your chance to explore your id. Me? My ritual is that every year I get
to sit on my couch with a beer in one hand, an assortment of donuts in
the other, while I watch baseball on T.V. and my wife simultaneously
performs an unspeakable sexual act (and by that I mean that when she
performs the act, it's almost impossible for her to speak).
Caveat: she gets the same thing on her birthday week and it's usually
not baseball. All year you can come up with great excuses for not going
to the neighborhood garage sales... not this week, Mister!
-
No persons other than the Birthday Boy or Girl and their spouse can or will give a shit about Birthday Week.
Trust me on this one. We've tried our best, but the simple truth is
that no one outside of your relationship can be convinced to help
celebrate your birthday for more than one day. Most people my age
regard their own birthday with a mixture of dread and indifference.
They cannot be made to understand why you would want to prolong such a
painful yearly experience.
- During Birthday Week the Birthday Boy or Girl is allowed to act
in any matter that strikes their fancy, say anything that crosses their
mind or let fly any bodily urge that might otherwise be reserved for a
bathroom or sanitarium without fear of reprisal or resentment.
This last one is dicey. Remember what comes with great power,
Spidey? You want to use this last one for good and never for evil.
Although you are allowed to say things that might otherwise be regarded
as "douche-baggy" you don't want to actually be a douchebag. Take note:
It's all going to come back on you when the situation is reversed. And
believe me, the juice is running.
Most importantly... be careful with the sex stuff. It may be best to
not go with your all-time wildest fantasy. Try shooting for the third
or fourth wildest. Believe me, as much as I enjoy the baseball/donut
hummer, I know that before long, I'm going to be ravaging her in the
bedroom while I have to let her refer to me as "Robert Horry."
I give you the Birthday Week Rules as a gift. If you use them well,
they will be good to you. You should both be all right as long as you
remember the following four words...
Payback is a Bitch.
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