Man, why do these people send me these funky catalogs? What mailing list am
I on? It must be that video I ordered last year from Publisher's Central
Bureau, The Best of
Caballero Films Vol. 8. One lousy skin flick and I'm in the Spicy
Adventure computer files. One lapse of taste and I'm getting Gordon Liddy's and
Gordon Gekko's junk mail.
The latest catalog I've received is from Life Force Technologies Ltd. out of Aspen,
Colorado. On the cover is a leather-clad
killer bimbo holding a "Night Penetrator" handheld night vision viewer - "the
dark holds no secrets from the Night Penetrator" - that costs eight grand and
wearing a lethal Tekna dive knife strapped to her upper arm. She's no Laura
Ashley or Ann Taylor, I'll tell you that. After scanning the rest of the
catalog to find naked pictures of her (there weren't any), I settled into
examining the fine products the Life Force folks were selling.
The first thing that caught my eye was the Stress Analyzer, a little device you
hide under your desk to measure your adversary's stress level. It analyzes the
voice, which under pressure sends out micro-tremors that this thing converts
into numerical digits you can see on the LED readout. The higher the number,
the higher the level of stress. I'm not sure what you're supposed to do when
the numbers get way up there. Scream suddenly, then move in for the kill? I
don't know. I'm not sure of the advantage of knowing another person's
nervousness level. Maybe he'll get so nervous when he discovers you've been
secretly analyzing his stress, he'll shoot your ass.
I'd rather try something a little safer, like the Voice Camouflage, which will
"Change Your Voice Into an Intimidating Threat" by turning it into a deep
growl. Except I'd use it to call my paper boy to frighten him into delivering
my Plain Dealer
on time. Nothing else has worked. Children may use it, too, says the catalog,
for a feeling of security while home alone. Ten-year-olds growling "Mommy and
Daddy aren't here." Plus you can touch a button and add the sound of a
terrier's yip or the "deep-throated" bark of a Great Dane. Hell, why not a
lion's roar? I'd rig it up so if anyone called, the theme to Jaws would play as they
waited for me to come to the phone. Mess with this guy and he'll eat you alive.
That's the idea I'd try to get across.
If this stuff doesn't do anything for you, Life Force Technologies offers other
nasty little gadgets and dirty tricks. "Think of the many ways you could use
the Super Ear Mini-Stethoscope system," says the catalog, next to a photo of a
guy pressing the device against a wall and listening to the conversation in the
next room through an earphone. The ad copy says you can use it to "detect
clocks" in luggage. Uh-huh. How about Expose, the X-Ray Spray? You spray this junk
on a piece of mail and you don't have to open it - it turns paper translucent
for 30-60 seconds. Just long enough for a peek. Even their non-sneaky stuff is
for tough guys. A lambskin attache: perfect for the kind of wolves who'd order
spy cameras and secret tape recorders.
Well, maybe I should order some of these items. Then perhaps I could be like
the Vice President of Product Develop-ment for Life Force, Doug Casey. I mean,
the man has even discovered the secret to eternal youth. He did this by adding
the personal Radical Shield to his daily regimen. The personal Radical Shield
is an "ultra-high potency, natural antioxidant which bonds with, and
eliminates, free radicals in the body. These molecules speed the aging process
and inhibit DNA production. It's simply
common sense that eliminating free radicals from the body will slow down
aging," says Doug in his introductory letter on page two of the catalog. He
doesn't look so good in his picture, but at least he won't look good for a very
long time with his Personal Radical Shield, which is available, by the way, for
only 37 bucks for a 28-day supply.
Yeah, I should order some. Then I can get out of this minnow pond and start
swimming with the sharks.
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