In my neighborhood, there's a pond a couple of houses down
from my house where hundreds of ducks live and breed. Our neighborhood loves
the ducks and several neighbors take buckets of food down there and feed them every
morning. My daughters love feeding the ducks bread and watching them swim. I
couldn't imagine anyone harming these innocent little creatures, even if they
were drunk out of their gourd. Check out this asshole. According to an article
on helenair.com, "A man was in custody Sunday after police said he
ripped the head off a tame duck that lived in a hotel lobby's ornamental
pond." Scott D. Clark, a guest at the Embassy Suites Hotel in St.
Paul, stalked the poor duck, grabbed the innocent
water fowl, and ripped its little head from its body as security guards watched
in horror. Clark then turned to onlookers and said:
"I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it," St. Paul
police Sgt. John Wuorinen said. Wuorinen continued, "He was allegedly
drunk." Do you THINK? If convicted, he could face up to two years in
prison and a $5,000 fine, said Tim Shields, general counsel with the Minnesota
Federated Humane Societies. Shields said the incident was
"unconscionable," and that having live ducks in a hotel lobby puts
them at risk of being stepped on or run over by suitcases. Or having their
innocent heads ripped off by drunk guests.
I'm the cook in my house, so I cook most of the meals for my
wife and kids. I go to the store and buy all the groceries and prepare the food
myself. If I found any animal parts in my food that weren't supposed to be
there in the first place, I would go ballistic. I would sue the pants off the
company that made that food, just like this family did. According to an article
on abc13.com, "An Iowa family filed a lawsuit seeking damages over a
snake head they claim to have found in a can of green beans." Amy
Schneider said she found the golf ball-sized snake head when she opened a can
of Lakeside Foods-brand green beans. "It was ...
yuck, it was really yuck," she said. "It was gross." When she
went back to the store to complain, they offered her a handful of coupons for
her troubles. "And of course it was for their brand, and I thought, 'I'm
never going to buy that product again,"' she said. "I won't ever eat
a green bean again, probably." Coupons in exchange for a snake head in my
beans? What kind of crap is that? Really?!? Talk about no effort whatsoever. I
see money in this families' future, enough to go to Sam's and buy cases of
green beans for life.
Now, forget about finding a snake head. How about finding a human body part? According to an article on bostonherald.com, "A man who bought a smoker Tuesday at an auction of abandoned items might have thought twice had he looked inside first.
Maiden police said the man opened up the smoker and saw what he thought was a piece of driftwood wrapped in paper. When he unwrapped it, he found a human leg, cut off 2 to 3 inches above the knee." The police contacted the mother and son who previously rented the space to ask them questions. The mother then explained that her son had his leg amputated and kept the leg following the surgery "for religious reasons." What kind of friggin' religion is that? The House of the Holy Amputees? The boy plans to reclaim his shriveled leg.
When my wife and I were expecting our first child, we had a long list of
names that we thought long and hard about, names that not only sounded nice
paired with our last name but names that meant something to us. How would you
feel if the government told you that you couldn't name your child the name that
you wanted? According to an article
on cnn.com, "A Chinese couple tried to name their baby "@,"
claiming the character used in e-mail addresses echoed their love for the
child." The unusual name would standout in Chinese since they don't have
an alphabet. "The whole world uses it to write e-mail, and translated into
Chinese it means 'love him'," the father explained. While the
"@" symbol is familiar to Chinese e-mail users, they often use the
English word "at" to sound it out -- which with a drawn out
"T" sounds something like "ai ta," or "love him,"
to Mandarin speakers. If the parents are successful in naming their kid
"@," hopefully he won't have a last name like Wang or Dong. Then it
would translate to "Love him Wang." Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?
And finally, most people hope that after they die that they are treated with the respect they deserve... unless you're late returning your library books. According to an article on wjz.com, "Elizabeth Schaper said she was charged a 50-cent late fee while turning
in a book that her late mother had checked out of a Harrison Public
Library branch." Schaper's mother, who was an avid reader, died on September 16th. Upon visiting her mother's home, she found a library book and returned it. The man behind the counter told her there was a late fee and made her pay it. Even after she told him her mother was DEAD, he still made her pay it. "I was in shock," Schaper said. "This has rocked me to my core." Dead or not, you better return your library books or else. Lesson learned. I better go update my will.
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