In my neighborhood, there's a pond a couple of houses down from my house where hundreds of ducks live and breed. Our neighborhood loves the ducks and several neighbors take buckets of food down there and feed them every morning. My daughters love feeding the ducks bread and watching them swim. I couldn't imagine anyone harming these innocent little creatures, even if they were drunk out of their gourd. Check out this asshole. According to an article on helenair.com, "A man was in custody Sunday after police said he ripped the head off a tame duck that lived in a hotel lobby's ornamental pond." Scott D. Clark, a guest at the Embassy Suites Hotel in St. Paul, stalked the poor duck, grabbed the innocent water fowl, and ripped its little head from its body as security guards watched in horror. Clark then turned to onlookers and said: "I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it," St. Paul police Sgt. John Wuorinen said. Wuorinen continued, "He was allegedly drunk." Do you THINK? If convicted, he could face up to two years in prison and a $5,000 fine, said Tim Shields, general counsel with the Minnesota Federated Humane Societies. Shields said the incident was "unconscionable," and that having live ducks in a hotel lobby puts them at risk of being stepped on or run over by suitcases. Or having their innocent heads ripped off by drunk guests.

I'm the cook in my house, so I cook most of the meals for my wife and kids. I go to the store and buy all the groceries and prepare the food myself. If I found any animal parts in my food that weren't supposed to be there in the first place, I would go ballistic. I would sue the pants off the company that made that food, just like this family did. According to an article on abc13.com, "An Iowa family filed a lawsuit seeking damages over a snake head they claim to have found in a can of green beans." Amy Schneider said she found the golf ball-sized snake head when she opened a can of Lakeside Foods-brand green beans. "It was ... yuck, it was really yuck," she said. "It was gross." When she went back to the store to complain, they offered her a handful of coupons for her troubles. "And of course it was for their brand, and I thought, 'I'm never going to buy that product again,"' she said. "I won't ever eat a green bean again, probably." Coupons in exchange for a snake head in my beans? What kind of crap is that? Really?!? Talk about no effort whatsoever. I see money in this families' future, enough to go to Sam's and buy cases of green beans for life.

When my wife and I were expecting our first child, we had a long list of names that we thought long and hard about, names that not only sounded nice paired with our last name but names that meant something to us. How would you feel if the government told you that you couldn't name your child the name that you wanted? According to an article on cnn.com, "A Chinese couple tried to name their baby "@," claiming the character used in e-mail addresses echoed their love for the child." The unusual name would standout in Chinese since they don't have an alphabet. "The whole world uses it to write e-mail, and translated into Chinese it means 'love him'," the father explained. While the "@" symbol is familiar to Chinese e-mail users, they often use the English word "at" to sound it out -- which with a drawn out "T" sounds something like "ai ta," or "love him," to Mandarin speakers. If the parents are successful in naming their kid "@," hopefully he won't have a last name like Wang or Dong. Then it would translate to "Love him Wang." Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

And finally, most people hope that after they die that they are treated with the respect they deserve... unless you're late returning your library books. According to an article on wjz.com, "Elizabeth Schaper said she was charged a 50-cent late fee while turning in a book that her late mother had checked out of a Harrison Public Library branch." Schaper's mother, who was an avid reader, died on September 16th. Upon visiting her mother's home, she found a library book and returned it. The man behind the counter told her there was a late fee and made her pay it. Even after she told him her mother was DEAD, he still made her pay it. "I was in shock," Schaper said. "This has rocked me to my core." Dead or not, you better return your library books or else. Lesson learned. I better go update my will.

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