 In comedy, there are nights when everything goes right, when the audience is plentiful and excited, when the comedian is particularly "on" and the planets seem to align for a really great show. This is not a story about one of those nights.
After doing comedy for a few years, a comedian starts to develop the ability to "smell" what an audience is going to be like before the show even begins. Most shows, the audience is talking and laughing as they come in to take their seats. This is a good sign. It usually means that they're ready to have a good time. Comedians love this because when an audience is ready to have a good time, any comedian worth his or her salt can hand them a great show with a bow on it.
Some shows, you can tell that the audience is out for blood. They're
mad at the world, their boss is a butthead, and they have come to take
some shit out on some comedians.
This audience requires a little more finesse from a comic. It becomes a
matter of being a conduit for their anger, letting them know that
you're angry about the same things they are, make it funny, and their
laughter becomes the release of their rage.
There is a third type of crowd that is very difficult for a
comedian to deal with - the indifferent crowd. These people just don't
care. It just doesn't matter to them what happens on the stage. They're
there at a comedy club, but they might just as well be at a tragedy
club. This crowd usually shows up for a Sunday night show.
It was this crowd that showed up on a Sunday night for this story in particular.
The other comedians and I sat in the back of the room and watched
this crowd file in. They filed in like they were on the last leg of the
Bataan Death March. Sullen and bored, they trudged to their seats and
shrugged.
We started drinking hard and fast.
Comedy clubs usually have a rule that if fewer than twelve people
show up, they will cancel the show. Eleven people at a show are not
enough to justify keeping the lights on and paying the staff.
Unfortunately for us, twelve people had decided that they would wait another day before offing themselves.
The first comic went up. Please understand that this story
occurred a few years ago. This comic is now very successful. He was
funny as hell back then and now he's really funny. Trust me, you've
seen him on T.V. He shall remain nameless, however.
He went up to do a fifteen-minute set. He got nothing from this
crowd. We couldn't believe it because he was hysterical. Yet, he got
nothing from them. No one cracked a smile.
After fourteen minutes, he gave up and introduced me. I went up to
do my thirty-minute set. Five minutes into my set, no one had laughed.
I didn't mind. I was up there to do my time and turn it over to the
headliner.
I didn't care that they weren't laughing. It wasn't the first time
for that and it wouldn't be the last. The problem I had was that there
was a couple just to the right of the stage that were talking.
When there are three hundred people in the crowd, something like
that isn't noticeable. When there are twelve, it's painfully obvious.
I paused in my set and regarded them. It was a pretty blonde girl
and a gentleman. I stopped the show and looked at them, thinking them
very rude.
Me: Is everything okay over here?
Guy: Yes. We're fine, thank you.
I don't know what happened. I guess you can call it an alcoholic
moment of clarity. But I realized in that instant what was happening.
She was blind.
They were not only listening to the show, but he was kind enough
to describe the physical gestures I was making to make sure that she
got the full enjoyment of the show. Not that there was a whole lot to
enjoy, but at least she would be able to understand why she wasn't the
only one not laughing.
I smiled and told them I was glad they had come to the show. Then I continued my thirty minutes of suck.
I came off stage and hurried to the bar to beat the shit out of a bottle of Rumpleminze.
As the first guy introduced the headliner, I realized I had
forgotten to tell him that there was a blind girl in the audience. I
sensed that there might be a problem, but I was concerned more about
washing away the memory of my bad set with booze.
That's when I heard the words that made my heart freeze and my nuts twist...
Headliner: You're the worst crowd ever! Look at this blonde lady! She won't even look at me!
He continued to do a joke, not get a laugh and then berate the
blonde girl for not looking at him. The opening comedian and I looked
at each other and knew we had to do something.
We devised a plan. We wrote a note on a napkin that said, "The girl to your right is blind. Stop fucking with her!"
We put the note under a beer and the first comic brought it up to the stage and handed it to him.
To our horror, he shrugged, said that he already had a beer and
set the note aside. He continued bombing and berating the blind girl,
all the while oblivious to what was going on.
We watched this train wreck, the same way you'd watch a drunk
person at a party who has had too much to drink and begins to puke.
It's horrible, but you can't take your eyes away because it's funny.
Finally he ran out of beer. He turned to the beer we'd brought him and read the note. His look of horror said it all.
The audience laughed for the only time that night.
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Quirkee Voices 
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