Quirkee.com

To a working comedian, credits are extremely important. People want to know who you are when you get introduced to them. When an emcee says your name, they want to know who you are, what you've done, and where they might have seen you on their Teevee Box.

I've always been confused by this. People assume that because someone is a comic actor and is funny on a sitcom, said person will be funny onstage in front of a live audience. This is not always the case. The two skills are different. There are a lot of people who are funny when they're given 23 takes to say something that was written by someone else. There are fewer who are able to stand onstage and be funny for an hour. I will refer to T.V.'s Kramer and then I will rest my case.

However, credits are still the lifeblood of a comedian's career. Mine are terrible.

I happen to be in the unfortunate position of being what is called in the biz, a No Name Headliner. That means that I'm funny enough to be the last guy in the show, but no one has ever heard of me because I haven't really been on television or in movies. I don't think this should rule me out of being taken seriously as a comic, but I don't make the rules.

I had always heard that people in Los Angeles are phony. I did not find this to be true. I found that they were very upfront and unapologetic about being giant bleeding assholes. (I am smiling at the thought of the poor souls that are Googling the phrase "giant bleeding assholes" and haplessly winding up here.)

Some people start doing standup to become television stars. I really wanted to be a comedian. Being the last guy in the show, doing an hour onstage, those were my goals and I've achieved them. My credits don't necessarily reflect the esteem I have for my achievements.

When an emcee introduces me to an audience, he will usually say one or more of the following things...

"Your headliner was the host of the Guy Game on Xbox and PS2."

This is true. The Guy Game was a video game that featured live action video of me as the host of a game show. It also featured boobs. Not mine, if that's what you were wondering. Anyway, the game was regarded as terrible by most people. They're probably right.

This was the cover and I'm on it, so dammit I'm going to use it as a credit.

"He was the Winner of the HBO Talent Search..."

Also true. 116 comics went up and the judges thought I was the funniest that night, (I really wasn't) and I was flown to Los Angeles to perform at the Hollywood Improv, which I did and then... nothing. Nothing happened. I had a good set at the Improv, but no one invited me to the Aspen Comedy Festival or gave me a sitcom or asked me to write Ghostbusters 3. I came back to Austin with a shiny new credit in my repertoire.

"He recently returned from overseas where he entertained the troops."

Yep. I've done three tours overseas. Twice to Asia and once to the Middle East. While I'm proud of that, this credit is kind of a cheat on my part. No matter how hostile an audience may be, when they hear this credit, they are willing to applaud and give me the benefit of the doubt, even though they've never heard of me.

"He has appeared on MTV."

It's true. I did appear on MTV. But kind of like hearing that I won the HBO Talent Search makes people think I've done standup on HBO (I haven't). This one makes people think I've done standup on MTV (also no).

Here is my appearance on MTV...

It was a bit role on a short-lived MTV show, but I was on it and I'm using it as a credit. Again it was years ago, but Jimmie Walker still headlines comedy clubs and the emcee always says something about Good Times when they introduce him, so screw it.

For the shooting of this scene, we bused in 300 5th graders from a local school. Between two of the takes, a stage light burst and we had to pause filming to replace it. Unfortunately, for continuity's sake, none of the kids could move from their seats. They had to just sit there watching two stagehands replace a light bulb. The producers felt terrible watching the sad, bored looks on the kids faces. They asked me if I could do something to entertain them.

I was in a giant pink styrofoam costume. I looked pretty funny as it was and I told them I would give it a shot. It basically consisted of me falling down and not being able to get back up because of the costume.

I freaking killed.

I remember reading that they once had a similar situation during a taping of Seinfeld. They asked Michael Richards to try and entertain the crowd. He wound up just screaming the N-word for an hour. The audience was reportedly horrified.

I have to wonder what credits were announced for Jesus at the Sermon on the Mount. Did the emcee stand before the crowd and say...

Emcee: Art thou ready for thine headliner? This next guy was born in a manger, where he was presented with gifts like frankincense and myrrh. He's been touring clubs and colleges all over Galilee. By the way, are there any meek here today? Cuz you guys are in for a treat! I'll let him tell you about it. C'mon folks, let's have a big round of applause, all the way from Nazareth... Jesus H. Christ!

He probably had a better agent than me.

---

Tag this article:

Average user rating

   (0 vote)