Professor Emeritus: Dennis the
Menace
Professors: Bam-Bam Rubble, Calvin and Hobbes, Eddie Haskell
Senior Lecturers: PigPen, Lucy VanPelt and Max from Where the Wild Things
Are
Guest Lecturers: Everybody Else's Kids
Course Offerings for the Fall Semester
CLI 220 Telecommunications for Today's Families
This course examines the power of the telephone and how you can harness it. We
will discuss how you should refuse to answer the phone even though you're
sitting right next to it. A large portion of this course will cover strategies
for pretending you didn't hear the phone ring when questioned by your angry
mother who just ran to get the call and missed it. We will also discuss the
ease in which messages can be forgotten without ever communicating them to your
parents. This is a basic course. More complicated methods of driving your
parents to cellular distraction are discussed in CLS 351-Texting...They Just
Don't Get It.
CLI 151 The Power of Minutiae
Every parent's favorite hobby is looking for lost objects. This course examines
methods you can learn to assist them in this character-building avocation. We
will discuss the necessity of unloading your backpack in a different location
every day, and how to train yourself to never leave a room without picking up a
small object and moving it to a place where it doesn't belong. Special items
discussed will be AA batteries, scotch tape, library books and Cub Scout
neckerchief slides because of the ease in which you can learn to make these
items utterly vanish. Taken together with CLS 225-Leaving Your Retainer at
McDonalds fulfills the Absentmindedness credit requirement if majoring in
Driving Your Parents Insane.
CLI 247 Asking the Impossible
Your parents love to answer your questions because they think they're so
great. That is, until you've learned the methods we discuss in this
course. Take ‘em down a peg with questions like "Is it possible to make an ice
cube that melts more slowly than a regular one?' "What if aliens had ATM
cards?" "Why did you decide to have children?" Also covered in this course is the
phenomenon of the complex question no parent could possibly answer in one
sentence, such as "Why is there weather?" Learn how to frustrate them further
as you lose interest and change the subject as they fumble for an explanation.
This course involves field research with real parents as subjects on which to
practice your methods. Your research will be complete when the subjects begin
to sob, hug their knees, rock themselves, and swat at imaginary flies.
CLI 320 Bedtime Stalling for the Graduate Student
(Prerequisite: CLI 101-Just One More Story, Pleeeeease?)
You've been through the "Can I have a drink of water?" bit. They're not
buying it anymore. But now that you're older you can learn to have more control
at bedtime using creative techniques they will never see coming. We'll talk
about flooding the bathroom as you shower, developing a checklist of obsessive
things to take care of before bed, and working up elaborate scenarios to
question your parents about as they try to kiss you goodnight. Learn that asking,
in a plaintive voice, "Can we talk about something serious?" will buy you, on
average, another 45 minutes before lights finally go out. Further research into
the morning fatigue that follows a late bedtime will include units on snooze
alarms, falling asleep in your bowl of Trix and general crabbiness. Your reward
for repeated exhibitions of these behaviors will be interesting and amusing
parental scorn and derision.
CLI 215 Creative Blaming
This course goes way beyond the "He started it!" paradigm. We'll practice ways
of weaving a story of cause and effect too complicated and contradictory to
sort out, and you'll learn to do it on the fly in a different way each time.
The point at which Mom goes and lies down with a sick headache is the point at
which you know you've prevailed, and that will allow you and your brother to
pummel each other in uninterrupted peace. But it doesn't stop there, because
you can't enjoy yourself if you know Mom is resting. The second half of the
course examines methods of injuring yourself and/or your sibling(s) just enough
to cause a minor amount of blood to flow.
CLI 315 Keep Them On Their Toes
This course is essential to any child who cares about his or her childing
skills. You've gotten your parents through the potty training and ear infection
stages, so now is no time to let them think they can stop worrying about you.
Learn the power of the out-of-the-blue question, like "Mom? Can I have a gun?"
Random statements such as "I think I want to work at Arby's when I grow up because
they have the coolest name tags" or "I told the teacher that we put out the
most wine bottles on recycling day," spoken while Mom is taking you to piano
lessons often produces really fun, swervy, and entertaining driving. Learn to
casually mention, at bedtime, that the money for the field trip is due
tomorrow, and it has to be in cash. Make these techniques work for you.
CLI 175 The Element of Surprise
Every so often it's really handy to clean up your room or cut the grass without
them asking first. It won't matter if you do a lousy job, because it's all
about you taking the initiative, son. The key here is infrequency. We will
examine logarithm tables highlighting the point at which returns will start to
diminish, and how to space your efforts just far enough apart where they will
never expect you to do anything. The second half of the semester will
be spent in learning the delicate art of popping in unexpectedly, for example,
when Mom is getting dressed, when your parents are having sex, or as Mom is
talking to the neighbor about your report card. Just hang around, look
innocent, then ask for something. They'll say yes to almost anything, just to
get you to go away. It works like magic.
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