Find out what's in the stars for you
 Aries (March 21-April
19)
A lunchroom dispute with a
co-worker over a pack of Splenda ends in your humiliation in a USA Today news story. Your intoxication
at a keg party from the '80s comes back to haunt you in the form of a man
claiming to be your son and demanding cash for a motorboat. You don't have
sexual relations with Mariska Hargitay anytime this month.
Taurus (April 20-May
20)
A video of you hiccupping on
YouTube encourages various African widows and politicians to send you e-mails
offering you millions of dollars. You inherit a ferret farm in British
Columbia, causing complications and an unforeseen mind-fuck. A block of Hickory
Farms Chavarti cheese comes in mighty handy with a critical bathroom repair.
Gemini (May 21-June
21)
The song you write about searching
for dry roasted peanuts becomes a huge international comeback hit for Boy
George. You invent a moist towelette that never dries out, but the idea is
stolen and sold to Nabisco for nefarious purposes. Your cat starts talking but
can only say, "You're a douchebag."
Cancer (June 22-July
22)
Your decision to have a string
quartet play Ramones songs at your wedding causes consternation amongst future
in-laws. Barry Bonds' 764th home run hits you in the face, sending your wig
ricocheting to a Republican sitting nearby. Photographing your penis with a
camera phone isn't a good idea this month.
Leo (July 23-August
22)
A strand of Giant Eagle string
cheese hanging from your mouth as your deliver a eulogy diminishes the moment.
Aliens start to probe you in the ass, but get distracted after hearing
something interesting on sports talk radio. On Entertainment Tonight, Britney Spears names you as the cause of her
recent problems at a photo shoot, calling you "a dildo Jewish architect."
Virgo (August
23-September 22)
Your horseback riding accident
while wearing stiletto heels and Hello Kitty underpants results in much mirth
at the ER. Sweeping changes at your office finds you in charge of corkboard
distribution. You find a twenty-dollar bill in a bag of Tostitos, but won't
spend it due to your strange religious beliefs.
Libra (September
23-October 23)
A Google search of the word
"slalom skiing" ends in your marriage to a wealthy cross dresser. Your crappy
imitation of Borat at a barbecue causes tears, rage and a fistfight with a
police officer. Dental concerns voiced endlessly bore the hell out friends and
acquaintances alike.
Scorpio (October
24-November 21)
Leaving a Zagnut instead of a Baby
Ruth in a neighbor's pool doesn't have the desired effect. A series of unexpected events lead to your
being named "The Cheesecake Killer." Pouting about a bar mitzvah gift of
bargain underpants is highly discouraged at this juncture.
Sagittarius (November
22-December 21)
Dancing to Doobie Brothers music
at an office party results in lengthy suspensions for both you and your
partner. Your velvety voice gets you the job as the official radio spokesperson
for a baby insurance outfit. Your child Vince gets into a dustup at his
preschool with another child named Vince.
Capricorn (December
22-January 19)
A refrigerator-shopping excursion
ends with an unexpected booty call. A credible source names you as the real
"Deep Throat," leaving even Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein bewildered. Your
obnoxious claim that you wrote the songs "Help Me Rhonda" and "Brown Sugar"
wins you no friends.
Aquarius (January
20-February 18)
You discover your female guinea
pig "Lassie" is actually a male, and renaming it becomes a source of
considerable anxiety for your family. That
tattoo of Ashley Judd on your bicep morphs embarrassingly into Kirstie Alley.
Your white, racist iPod will not play music by any of the African-American
artists that you downloaded on it, except for Kid Creole and the Coconuts.
Pisces (February
19-March 20)
Your oft-repeated, supposedly
comic wail "I don't even know who I am anymore!" becomes more than a little
tiresome. Trying to turn the tables on a telemarketer, you ask him his phone number
so you can call him back, and he gives it to you. You're not sure, but you
could swear your friend's pet cat called you a "douchebag."
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