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Every kid's party these days has a theme: one week it's Spongebob Squarepants, the next it's Which Olsen Twin Am I? Themes help pull the whole party together and make the day even more fun for the youngsters. More importantly, a theme helps parents choose from among the thousands of paper plates and napkins at the Spend Your Kids' College Fund on Party Accessories store.

Although I'm not really a party animal - I'm more of a party vegetable - I have been to my fair share of soirees and know that for the most part grown-up parties usually don't have a theme other than the recurring "Let's Get a Little Tipsy and Argue in Front of the Neighbors." But last week I went to my first official adult theme party. Although it didn't say so on the invitations, it was definitely a Biker Gang/Desperate Housewife/Ex-Girlfriend/Midlife Crisis party.

Carey is now married to a Harley Davidson fanatic and lives with him, his father, their children from various relationships, and as far as I can tell, at least a dozen unemployed biker types whose parents are too intelligent to let them live at home. That explains the Biker Gang part of the party theme. Although in addition to the resident bikers, about thirty more showed up around 11 p.m. just as most of us were heading home. Apparently bikers don't sleep. Probably the pain in their broken teeth keeps them up nights. Or maybe they like to watch the Home Shopping Network looking for silver studs for their eyebrows.

The Desperate Housewife part of the party came from the fact that poor Carey has to feed and shelter that motley crew every night after working a ten hour day. She has that haunted look in her eyes, that look that says, "Explain the difference between manslaughter and murder one more time." I'm surprised she can be around cutlery. If just one leather-clad guy with spiders on his eyelids whined that his mom's meat loaf was moister than mine, I'd be carving him a new tattoo in a much more sensitive place - his pancreas perhaps.

I thought it would be easy to tell the desperate housewives from the bikers, but there were a few cross-overs. Women in chaps and studded dog collars who hung around the kitchen exchanging tips on how to remove oil stains from the furniture and make a garage into a romantic hideaway. Did you know that cinnamon can mask the odor of gasoline?

The biggest problem I had prior to the party was deciding what to wear. I wanted to look youthful and sexy to fit in with the Ex-Girlfriend and Midlife Crisis themes, but I also wanted to look a little wild and desperate for the Biker Gang and Desperate Housewives themes. I tried parting my hair on the other side, but that was too wild. I thought about a leather bustier and a denim miniskirt, but I couldn't stop giggling at my reflection. Finally, I went with jeans and a t-shirt (when in doubt, rely on your failsafe party vegetable wardrobe). I also got $400 tattoo that says "Not as domestic as I look." It was expensive, sure, but I'm worth it.

Interestingly, I found that except for my lack of eyebrow studs and bugs between my teeth and my inability to chug beer, I had just as much in common with the bikers as I did with the desperate housewives. It turns out that just because you spend your evenings and weekends straddling a silver powder-coated, dual counterbalanced Twin Cam 88B(TM) with a raked FX fork, laced wheels, horseshoe oil tank and fat rear tire with bobtail fender (I may have picked up a little of the lingo) doesn't mean you don't worry about health insurance, your retirement portfolio, and whether your teenagers are dressing too conservatively. It's nice to find common ground and make new friends.

As a result of this whole experience, I think I may just throw a theme party myself. Maybe I'll invite the bikers too - after all, I know where they live.

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