If you live in an urban environment, then you know that pigeons are
considered rats with wings. And for good reason; they stink and they shit all
over the place. But the citizens of Hollywood, California
have a plan. According to an article on
foxnews.com, "Hollywood residents believe
they've found a humane way to reduce their pigeon population and the messes the
birds make: the pill." That's right, boys and girls. Hollywood
is putting their rats with wings on the pill to keep them from breeding. Over
the next few months a birth control product called OvoControl P, which
interferes with egg development in the horny birds, will be placed in bird food
in new rooftop feeders. "We think we've got a good solution to a bad
situation," said Laura Dodson, president of the Argyle Civic Association,
the group leading the effort to try the new contraceptive. "The poop
problem has become unmanageable and this could be the answer." Several
animal rights groups support the contraceptive over electric shock gates,
spiked rooftops, poisons or other methods (several of which seem to have been
suggested by embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick) of dealing with the stinky
birds.
We, the citizens of Austin, are proud
of our status as the weird city of Texas.
It's true. In fact, for those of you not in the know, the slogan we've adopted
for our growing city is "Keep Austin Weird." No matter where my wife
and I go, when we tell people we're from Austin,
we get that acknowledgment, that slight wink, like they think they know what
we're "really" about: bong hits, dark beer, and Willie Nelson
picnics. Even when tragic things happen to Austinites, people still like to
remind us that we're weird. According to an article
on statesman.com, "Investigators think that alcohol was a factor in a
head-on collision in Comal County
on July 18 in which two victims were pulled from their car naked." On that
evening, Lisa Marie Bishop of Austin
was driving home from New Braunfels
when she went around a curve and swerved into the southbound lane, crashing
head-on to a truck. The driver of the truck and Lisa were not seriously
injured, but Lisa's passenger, Robert Rydeen, was airlifted to San
Antonio with more serious injuries. Lisa told
investigators that she and Robert had been at Schlitterbahn Waterpark and had
removed their wet clothes for the drive home. Department of Public Safety Cpl.
Rick Alvarez said that in his 13 1/2 years as a DPS trooper, he had never
before investigated a crash involving nude drivers. "But she's from Austin
... and I figure Austin folks are a
little different." See what I mean?
There's a love-fest going on at Rollingstone for the 20th anniversary of the release of the Guns N Roses album Appetite for Destruction. Whatever. Whenever I drive to San Antonio, I always know I'm within the city limits when "Paradise City" or "Sweet Cild O Mine" comes on Kiss FM. They're heavy metal freaks in SA and the Guns are kings there. Anyway, Slash's wife retells her favorite backstage memory at rollingstone.com and it's a classic. She says, "GN'R were playing a small venue on the East Coast. There was no
bathroom backstage, so Slash and Izzy Stradlin relieved themselves
into Corona bottles throughout the night. Some groupies came
backstage, eager to party, and without asking, chugged the bottles
of piss, much to the shock of Izzy and Slash. Having finished
drinking the six-pack of pee, the groupies were convinced they were
drunk." Classic. I bet those groupies really were drunk with all the toxins exiting the two guitarists' bodies into those unsuspecting Corona bottles. Mmm... warm piss disguised as beer. How refreshing. What does that say about Corona, huh?
If you're afraid to fly or you're an alcoholic, then Amtrak has a deal for you.
According to an article
on cnn.com, "Amtrak is trying to gin up new business by offering $100
in free alcohol to customers on some overnight trains." Amtrak spokeswoman
Karina Morero said the goal is to entice people to try the new, high-end
sleeper car service. But there are already people bitching about this. Mothers
Against Drunk Driving questioned whether $100 in free alcohol was too much.
"This sounds like a lot of credit toward possible overindulging,"
said MADD spokeswoman Misty Moyse. Oh, SHUT UP! The boozers aren't going to be
driving the train, moron. Some people just like to spoil all the fun.
Finally, when I was in the first grade, I remember stabbing myself with a
pencil by accident. It was completely unintentional. I remember the look on my
mom's face when I told her because it just sounded so bizarre. But I had my
pencil in my lap when I bent over to pick something up off the floor. And
that's how I stabbed myself. Stupid huh? Now check this out. According to an article on
news.sky.com, "Medics have removed a pencil from inside a woman's head
- 55 years after it got stuck." Margret Wegner, 59, fell while carrying
the pencil at the age of four. "It went right through my skin - and
disappeared into my head," she said. As a result, Wegner has suffered
headaches and nosebleeds for most of her life. But because of the miracle of
modern science, doctors recently were able to remove most of the pencil; the
remaining small piece had become too embedded to remove. And now it's a
permanent part of her head.
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