 Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Maybe I'm tempting an intellectual property-infringement lawsuit by quoting that line, but it seems to fit in this case. You're a mom, ergo a witch, but just how bad are you?
All moms have their good moments. We also have our witchy, satanic moments that make us cringe when remembered. Hell, after a few years of working on the chain gang even Penelope Leach is going to be looking around nervously, waiting for a house to fall on her.
Track your inevitable death spiral from "Disinfect The Pacifier" mom to "Just Play The Damn Nintendo And Leave Me Alone" mom with this handy quiz. Keep track of your answers and see just how far down the yellow brick road you've progressed.
1. Your pre-schooler has just received another birthday party invite to Chuck E. Cheese's. The party will take place from 1-3:30 on a Saturday, thereby blowing the whole day. What do you do?
A. Respond immediately saying your child would love to come, and by the way what would little Brandon/Braden/Brendan like for his birthday present?
B. Hide the invite from your kid and hope no one mentions it in his class.
C. Punch a hole in the wall.
2. Your child's school district has sent home a complicated flyer explaining the new reading curriculum. What do you do?
A. Read it and attend the open mike discussion forum at the next Board of Ed meeting. Go online and research the test results of other districts using this curriculum so you'll be ready for a healthy debate.
B. Attempt to read it but become confused and frustrated after the fourteenth pie chart outlining the Phonics vs. Whole Language debate.
C. Figure that if your kid is reading then the school must be doing something right. Mix yourself a cocktail.
3. Halloween is looming and all the other moms are making their kids' costumes. What do you do?
A. Buy the furry fabric and the Simplicity pattern and vow to make the best Scrappy Doo costume that L'il Learners Preschool has ever seen. That'll show that bitchy mom who always sends her kid to school in ironed jeans. She thinks she's so great!
B. Draw some stripes on your kids sweatpants. Wrap a bent coat hanger with Saran Wrap and duct tape it to your kid's back. Voila! Instant bumblebee!
C. Tape a toilet paper core to her forehead and make her go as a unicorn.
4. Bake Sale time! The school is raising money for the fourth grade's field trip to the waste treatment plant and they need your help. What do you do?
A. Bake spelt flour/raisin cookies and deliver them in a hand-decorated tin with beads spelling out the name of school.
B. Buy the slice and bake dough tube and frost with store brand canned frosting. Screw it, that's good enough.
C. Stand for fifteen minutes in the bakery department of the supermarket, trying to decide which cookies can pass as homemade.
5. An article about the horrors of choking possibilities freaks you out. What steps do you take to avoid a potential catastrophe?
A. Hire a babyproofer to sweep the dangers from your home so you can sleep at night. Take an infant CPR course at the adult school. Cut each grape into 24 pieces.
B. Make the kid eat every meal standing on his head.
C. Cross your fingers and hope the kid makes it to his fifth birthday.
6. Some states now mandate that a child should ride in a car seat until he weighs eighty pounds. How do you feel about this?
A. "Car seats bring peace of mind. I attended a clinic at the local police station where they made sure our car seat was installed properly."
B. "I hate lugging it around but it beats going to the gym. My arms have never looked more toned."
C. "Eighty pounds? Oh come on. Does this mean Calista Flockhart and her son have matching car seats?"
7. It's time for the annual Holiday Concert at your kid's school. How do you plan to enjoy this event?
A. Get there early, record every precious detail on the camcorder from the front row. Weep when they sing "Jingle Bell Rock" for some reason. Maybe it's time for an adjustment to your medication.
B. Arrive late and stand through the unintelligible kindergarten salute to Kwaanza. Find the nearest exit like you're studying the safety card in a Boeing 737. Keep in mind that the nearest exit may be behind you.
C. Figure that if your kid is in third grade, you can be a half hour late and still arrive in time to catch his class's performance of "Dreidel Dreidel." Leave immediately after, pleading stomach flu. Watch the crowds part!
8. Your kid needs new shoes. What do you do?
A. Take out a second mortgage and go to Stride Rite where you can be sure to have your child's feet properly sized. Rest assured that by doing this you've avoided turning your kid's feet into twisted clubs, and that you have not ruined his chances for a track scholarship to Princeton.
B. Go to Payless, buy a half size up from the old ones, stick your thumb on his toe to check the fit as if you know what you're doing. Pick up some cool boots for yourself while you're at it. Like those over there. Hey, they're not half bad! Who's going to know? Fifteen bucks? Done!
C. Dig in the closet for your older kid's hand-me-downs. Cover up scuffs with a Sharpie.
9. Horrors! Your child has discovered his privates and can't leave 'em alone. Now what?
A. Go online and find all the "facts of life" books on Amazon. Check the reviews and get the best one. Read it with your child and explain the proper names of those parts of the body and what their functions are. Ask him if he has any questions.
B. Tell him what he's doing is perfectly natural, but if he wants to do it he has to go to his room and be alone. Then go pour a glass of wine and wonder if you've just turned him into a compulsive masturbator.
C. Say to him: "For crying out loud get your hands out of your pants and give your wingdizzler a rest already."
10. Your child is going through yet another bout of "separation anxiety." You and your husband have tickets to a show you've waited months to see, but your child is sobbing hysterically and humping your leg as you try to leave. What do you do?
A. Have your husband drive the babysitter home and comfort little bunnykins. After all, she won't need you like this forever. Isn't it nice that she loves you so?
B. Go to the show anyway but refuse to enjoy it. Give the babysitter a big tip and vow never to go out again until the kid is in high school.
C. Sneak out when your kid isn't looking and have the time of your life.
Now, let's take a look at your answers. If you answered A to most questions you are a very good mother and an example to us all. Now please go and insert that massive suppository you so desperately need. If you answered B to most questions you're on the path to bad motherhood, but you still have a long way to go. A few more years of trying to keep up the charade should wear you down. If you answered C to most questions, you've surrendered, Dorothy.
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Quirkee Voices 
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