 Have you ever tried to write a
family newsletter at holiday time? Did you look back on the year and the only
positive thing you could say about it is that you got through it?
Never fear! This
Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwaanza, use this helpful guide. You too can carpet-bomb the
western world with an obnoxious form letter of your own, even though your
family is a sorry bunch of dysfunctional losers. Feel free to refer to yourself
in the third person. This is guaranteed to further annoy your nearest and
dearest. Here goes:
Circle
One:
A.
Season's Greetings!
B.
To all our blessed friends and family members, far and near!
C.
Ho Ho Ho to all our vaguely-remembered former neighbors!
Circle
One:
A.
Can you believe that it's "holiday time" already! How "time flies"!
B.
Another year has passed and we have been blessed by health and happiness.
C.
Another year shot to hell.
Circle
one:
A.
I'm writing to you all as the "matriarch" of the "wacky and wild" Henderson bunch to bring you "up to speed!"
B.
I sit with pen in hand to update you on the gifts that have been
bestowed upon our family.
C.
I'm writing this because it's better than watching the freakin' Grinch
for the fourth time today.
Circle
one:
A.
To start with, yours truly is "up to her eyeballs" with her new Mary
Kay business!
B.
I was in charge of the bric-a-brac section of the church's rummage
sale. We earned $22.75 and will donate the entire sum to
the Church's legal defense fund.
C.
I've started a Scrapbooking business and now my friends shun me.
Circle
one:
A.
Not that we need the money, mind you, with my Ted earning "VP" status this year!
B.
Fred's star continues to rise at Faceless, Automaton and Howe. His new title is Vice President, Company Line Division.
C.
Ned continues to crush his own dreams and ambitions in return for money
to live on.
Circle
one:
A.
Our loveable children are just a "bundle of energy," and they sure keep
me "hopping"!
B.
Our immaculately-conceived children are growing by leaps and bounds, and we are in complete denial in regards to their
budding sexuality.
C.
Our children are still breathing, last time I checked.
Circle
one:
A.
Can you believe Ted junior is already 10! (oooh-I feel old!!!) He's
first in the state in reading, math and general adorable
freckleface-ness, routinely pitches "perfect games" in little league, is the
"world's youngest" eagle scout, and loves to "tease" his little sister! Oh
well, "boys will be boys"!
B.
Fred junior is 10, has just received ultra early admission to Harvard,
and is on the fast track for beatification.
C.
Ned junior's therapist says he's making progress.
Circle
one:
A.
Little Madison is 8 (oooh, I feel old!!) and was a Donald Trump
Honorable Mention Finalist in our county's L'il Miss Future Trophy Wife
pageant! You should see "Maddy" in her costume! You would just "eat her up"!
B.
Our Lexington continues to amaze us with her gymnastic talent. This
year Lexi won most improved in vaulting. She loves dollhouses, horses, and
donating blood at the semi-annual Red Cross Blood Drive.
C.
Bowery collects gum wrappers and likes TV.
Circle
one:
A.
The baby is now 6 (oooh-I feel old!) and has already skipped a grade! I suppose "brilliance" just runs in the family--ha!
B.
Our baby shone during his solo of the "Ave Maria" the Vienna Boys Choir.
C.
Thank goodness the baby is finally out of those goddamned Pull-Ups. I thought I'd never get the smell out of the
house.
Circle
One:
A.
The Christmas decorations are finally done, thanks to "Martha Stewart"!
This year's theme is "Fruitcake Elves"!
B.
The outdoor decorations took some time to get together this year, as
the all-weather nativity scene is beginning to show its
age. We were able to squeak out another year by leaning the magi up against the
sheep.
C.
Luckily we never got around to taking down the lights from last year.
All we had to do was dig the extension cord plug out of
the mud behind the garbage cans.
Circle
One:
A.
This year we had a "fun-filled" vacation in Orlando! Epcot was just like being in "Europe" (without all the B.O. and
unusual food--ha!!!!)
B.
Our vacation took us to lovely Branson, Missouri, with the highlight being the Marie Osmond concert.
C.
We left the kids with Mom and took the bus to Vegas. Ned walked away from the craps table with a cool fifty
bucks.
Circle
One:
A.
Now for the sad news (Boo-Hoo): Grandpa Henderson has finally left us! He said he would make it until Willard said his name
on the Today show, and goshdarnit, he was right! He died doing what he
loved: whittling!
B.
With sorrow we report the passing of Grandfather Farquehar. His memorial service at the National Cathedral was
attended by hundreds who remembered his life as one full of God's blessings.
C.
Not surprisingly, Grandpa finally kicked. He had been gone a few days when we found him, his hand still clasping the
remote and the TV still tuned to the Weather
Channel.
Circle
One:
A. We've
just been "up to our ears" with "household projects"! We were chosen as a This Old House project and we're getting
$250,000 worth of renovations ... free! You know, Steve and Norm are
REALLY nice guys!
B.
We sold our house and donated the money to Habitat for Humanity. We thought it would be a growth experience for the
kids.
C.
We finally got around to cleaning out the garage.
Circle One:
A.
Well. must dash! I'd better get back to wrapping all those presents!!!
B. I'm due at choir practice so, alas, I must bid you
adieu.
C.
I'd better run. I think the Christmas tree is on fire.
Circle
One:
A.
We can't wait to receive your card! Does your
child's name here still have that adorable "harelip?!!!"
B.
Please send some photos of your little angels.
C.
Last warning...send us a card this year or you're cut off.
Circle
One:
A.
From all of us Hendersons ... have a "happy"!!!!
B.
From our family to yours: may the blessings of the season be upon you.
C.
Here's hoping a little eggnog will help you survive this cursed season.
Circle
One:
A.
P.S. Don't forget to put those cookies out for "you-know-who"!!! Maybe I should get him some Snackwell's--ha!
B. P.S.
Don't forget that Jesus is the reason for the season.
C.
P.S. Don't forget to save your receipts.
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Quirkee Voices 
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