Quirkee.com

This coming Monday, on July 14th not today, the 10th, the country of France will mark the 218th observance of Fete de la Federation or Bastille Day. The day commemorates the storming of the Bastille in France and symbolizes the uprising of the modern French nation. On that fateful day some two hundred odd years ago a group of close to 1000 insurgents overtook the Bastille, a prison, and freed all of the prisoners housed there. All seven of them. It was more of a symbolic insurgency. The French really don't like to quibble over numbers and whatnot.

But the date, the 14th of July, is what is important for our purposes here. The distinction is significant, the 14th as opposed to the 10th, for many reasons. First, should you choose to park anywhere along the Champs-Elysees today, the 10th, chances are very good that you will be able to find a spot. Should you choose, however, the 14th--forget it. The Champs will be filled with revelers and all manner of celebrants.

Going into this long holiday weekend, I realized that the 4th of July did not revolve around mothers. Why not? You can keep Mother's Day. I want no part of a holiday where I have to remind my kids to buy me a card. I shun the crowds at the Mother's Day brunches. "Hey, Mom, sorry about giving you a ten hour labor, getting my front teeth knocked out the day after my braces were paid for, ruining your figure and sapping the vitality you once had. Here's your complimentary mimosa."

I really don't want to make it that easy for my kids. They think they can just throw some carnations at me and pay me off? No way! Mothers deserve more than that!

We need some real holidays that Moms celebrate with one another, in our own way. I propose these holidays to Hallmark and calendar makers everywhere:

My neighbor built me a birdfeeder in about five minutes flat. He's 65, been doing it for years, has all the proper tools and most of his fingers, etc. Naturally, I figured I could attach the feeder to the post I already had in only three or four times his speed. After all, I do watch Home & Garden TV. A LOT.

Of course, those shows are heavily edited. So in the interest of full disclosure, let me tell you what it took for me to attach my new birdfeeder (which is just lovely, by the way, thank you Vern) to my post.

1. Gather up the proper tools. I figured on my Rubbermaid stepstool, a screwdriver, the power drill, some drill bits and some screws.

It’s been ten days since I’ve had a cigarette.

I haven’t been able to say that for over twenty years.

I was able to get through the first three days with a drug called Chantix, which inhibits the nicotine receptors in the brain, which means you go through the withdrawals before you actually quit smoking so they’re not as severe.

The drug could only do so much, however. About three days in I found myself in short supply of both Chantix and willpower. It was then that I discovered the Greatest Anti-Smoking Drug in the World.

Benadryl.

Yep. I popped one of those suckers and washed it down with a beer and within ten minutes I didn’t want a cigarette anymore. It’s amazing how much willpower you can muster when you’re completely unconscious

Just when we think our kids can't surprise us, they go and do something totally unexpected.

As a parent of an impressionable teenager, over the years I’ve taught my son, Nick, the importance of values and morals. To do what’s right – whether or not doing the right thing fit in with the wrong that his peers were engaging in, and enticing him to also do. To take a stance and defy those who would seek to challenge him. And over the years, Nick’s grown into a responsible young adult whom I’m exceptionally proud of. His charm is matched only by his wit, creativity, humility and humanity.

This will mark my 15th year of doing listings for a weekly publication. Listings, of course, are the things in the tiny type in the middle of the paper telling what's going on that week in music, movies, night clubs, theater, dance, museums and such, and I've been doing them since 1984.

You say, "Why is a busy, high-level executive like yourself, over the age of 40, still doing listings?" That's a very good question. Most executives would assign a functionary to do this kind of grunt work, but I find doing listings keeps me abreast of the city's events-as I should be in my position. I know what's going on, and when it starts. I never go to any of the things I list, of course, but I know all about them. Knowledge is power.

Contrary to the social myths that “motherhood is natural” and “woman are instinctively good caregivers” is my opinion that being a mother is anything BUT natural for many of us. In fact, there is so much to learn by experience, and it’s hard, damnit. In technical terms? It’s SuperDuper-Effin-McHard-N-Stuff.

I don’t know about you, but it has always seemed to me that the prevailing, socially accepted idea about Motherhood (yes, that requires a big “M”) from back in the day is that it is a station in life that naturally unfolds for a woman after she has forced a tiny human through her vagina. As though becoming MOTHER is effortless, and we just receive this set of characteristics passively.

After the nurses clean up the baby, a representative of the High Authority of Motherhood comes to the woman’s side:

[gesturing towards the newborn] “Excuse me, Madame. It appears as though this small being’s head just passed through your vaginal canal – is that correct?”

“Why yes, yes it is!”

“Excellent! Let us now present you with this Official Document of Motherhood.”

“Thank you!”

[insert cheesy music and fake smiles]