Several months ago I wrote an article about mandatory bicycle helmet laws and kids wearing helmets during other activities to keep their noggin’s protected. Well, here we go again!

Thank goodness somebody is looking out for our children. An elementary school in Attleboro, Massachusetts, made national news last week when they banned tag, touch football, and other chase games from the playground. They don’t want little Johnny getting hurt and his parents suing the school. This is the same area that also banned the game dodge ball a few years ago. Apparently other cities around the country are following suit to avoid the lawsuits. I don’t blame them! If my little boy came home from school one day with a skinned knee and said he fell down on the playground from running and playing tag, I would be on the phone to my attorney before you could say, “You’re it!”

When I was single I never had a puppy to take to the park and other places with me. I hear it is a great way to meet the ladies, though. I had a cat at the time, but I don’t think dragging him through the park on a leash around big dogs with names like Roscoe or Bandit would have been his idea of a good time. Besides, how do you go about talking to the ladies while holding a twelve pound black hissing fur ball that is trying his hardest to claw your eyes out?

Fast forwarding to the present, now I have something better than a puppy to take with me on outings... the kids! My baby girl gets a ton of attention when we go places because she is absolutely the cutest and sweetest thing on Earth. My son received those “Oh my goodness, he’s such a cute baby” remarks when he was little, too. He’s a cute kid and all, but now the security cameras mostly notice him as he’s running through the aisles at Target. To be fair, he still gets noticed for his cuteness, good manners, and charm. Someday if he gets a puppy, the ladies better watch out.

I was reading the news the other day and came across a story that made me laugh. Terrell Owens has written (co-written) a children’s book! The title of his book is Little T Learns To Share. That’s rich. I guess it’s safe to call it a fiction story. I’m not a big T.O. fan, but then again who is? I am finding myself rooting for him anyway now that he is wearing blue and silver and may help my Cowboys get a sixth ring. Although, after last Sunday’s performance in Philadelphia, I think it’s going to take more than a talented receiver like Owens to get us back to the Super Bowl. I’m sure that pleases the Dallas Cowboys haters everywhere, including my in-laws.

So, Terrell Owens is preaching the word of sharing in a children’s book. That is just as crazy as if Paris Hilton wrote a book titled How To Grill The Perfect Meal. I don’t think she even knows what a meal is, much less a grill! She might know how to use a microwave, but do you really need to nuke your crackers and TrimSpa?

“Hello lion in the African sun. Tickling your mane is really fun!”

Cute, huh? That’s one of the songs I hear daily coming from the many toys around the house. This particular line is from a Leap Frog soft rolling animal block that sings a different line on each side. Sometimes I think I’m going to go toy nutty and take the batteries out of everything in the house. That would be pretty mean, though, as the kids really enjoy this stuff. Instead of unplugging and silencing their little world from these songs and sounds, I’ve decided to make up my own words to keep me sane.

“Hello lion in the African sun. When my baby outgrows you, I’m going to smash you with a hammer!”

When I left my last job at a bank to work at home, I gave up daily adult conversations, complimentary sodas and snacks, and the inevitable weekly paper cut. While I do miss the free Rice Krispy Treats, root beer, and chatting it up with co-workers, I’m not missing the corporate buzz words and phrases. I now have a whole new way of using them to get my troops fired up! This is what most of you hear at your offices…

“Okay, everybody quiet down and take your seats. Let’s get this 360-degree feedback session started. We have a lot of action items to go over and I need to make sure we are all on the same page. We have some customer-driven issues to resolve. I want you all to be dialing and smiling when you are on the phone today. Let’s make it happen, folks! We’ll be here 24/7 until the problems are fixed across the board!

Now I am in charge of the meetings and they go something like this…

Kids grow up and there is nothing we can do to stop it. No matter how much we love their cute little voices, they will eventually get older and their voices... well, they will get downright ugly. The words they speak will go from,

“Hey Daddy! I’m going to take this photo of my baby sister in my backpack to school today! I love her!”

To...

“MOM! TELL HIM TO STOP MAKING FUN OF MY SCHOOL PICTURE! HE’S PULLING MY HAIR AGAIN! STOP IT! OUCH! JERK!”

Man, I used to be a rocker. The stereo was always on a station with loud guitar riffs, heavy drums, lyrics that you can’t really understand until you read the CD jacket, earsplitting rock ‘n roll music. I still like to rock out, but I just don’t seem to be able to fit it into my schedule as often. I can’t crank up Tool while driving to work since I work at home. I can’t crank up Tool in the morning because the baby is sleeping. I can’t really crank up Tool while the baby is awake, either. Have you ever seen a baby’s face when Maynard starts singing?

(With a worried look on her face) “Daddy? Why is that little box yelling at me? Is someone going to come crashing through the wall?” I wouldn’t want to scar her for life, so I usually wait until I’m alone in the truck on the way to the store or post office before I challenge my stereo speakers to a duel. They are factory speakers but can definitely hold their own.

I’ve been working at home for about two years now, running a business on eBay. I love it because I am in control of my day. Well, sort of. I’m in control of what I can do during their naptime or school time. Not many dads are in my position and some would probably not want to be. Some dads can’t handle changing diapers, doing puzzles, listening to Chicken Dance Elmo over and over, or cleaning up baby barf all day. They are crazy. It’s fun! Besides, I can pretty much do anything I want and the boss won’t care, because I am the boss. That is part of the glory of being a work-at-home dad. Here are some other perks of the job...

I watch soap operas. It’s true. Not all of them, just General Hospital. Okay, sometimes One Life to Live. They just happen to be on at the same time the kids are napping, and that is when I can change it from PBS or Nick Jr. Yes, I get made fun of, but I can’t help it. I’ve been hooked ever since I was a kid. My sister and mother would watch them in the summer while school was out. That was a downside of not having a brother to beat the crap out of me. When I was in my twenties and we all worked at night, some of my guy roommates would watch them, too. I won’t mention their names because they would just deny it.

A few weeks ago some friends of ours had their first child, a beautiful baby girl. The first birth is always the most exciting and nerve wracking, as you do not know what to expect. At one point during the birth of our son, my wife took a 45-minute nap between pushing sessions due to baby stress in the birth canal. A nap! How can you take a nap during labor? It’s not like watching golf on TV, but I guess the labor drugs can make you a little woozy.

The second birth went a lot smoother and faster. Of course, I am saying this from a father’s perspective and not the mother’s, who actually had the babies coming out of her. The birth of our daughter seemed like it lasted about 10 seconds. Actually, we got to the hospital at 11:00 pm and she was born after two pushes at 1:52 am. It happened so fast that my wife and I looked at each other with expressions of surprise, wondering if it was really over! I’m just glad we didn’t have her in the minivan on the way to the hospital. I was prepared for the first child with a big blue tarp and a first aid kit in the car, but let my guard down on the second child. I’m not sure how that birth would have gone with me as the coach, catcher, and cord snipper. I ditched the tarp a couple of years ago, but still had the first aid kit. Sewing her up with a needle and thread until the paramedics arrived would have been my best option.