Quirkee.com

This past Thanksgiving, I partook in a huge, heaping amount of delicious roasted turkey. Damn, it was finger-licking good! One of the highlights of the holiday storytelling this year was a Thanksgiving past remembered by my wife's uncle, who told a story of how a turkey given to his mother turned out to be a butchered affair. A friend of his mother said he was giving them a turkey for Thanksgiving. Boy, were they surprised when a real, live turkey showed up to their house. To make a long story short, they had to kill the bird and feather the turkey themselves. Mmm, freshly killed turkey.

It's that time of year when you get together with your friends and family and stuff yourself silly with food you don't normally eat during the rest of the year. Can anyone say cranberry jelly? Aargh! Who invented that stuff? But, OH, how I love pumpkin pie. Let me count the ways... one bite, two bites, three bites, yummy! So this week's In the News is dedicated to the birds who have given their lives so we can all enjoy our national holiday: the turkey. And if you think the tryptophan in your dinner is a coincidence, then you better watch out. The turkeys will rise again and revolt while we're sleeping. Until then...

Since turkeys suffer the ultimate sacrifice for our holiday festivities, what is the President to do to make it a little better for our plucky friends before they get the ax? According to an article on orlandosentinel.com, "This year, when the president pardons the official national Thanksgiving turkey, it's going to get more than just a reprieve from the White House holiday menu. It's going to Walt Disney World." Woo-hoo! Turkey on a roller coaster! Turkey at Epcot Center! Turkey watching Michael Jackson in Captain EO! On Tuesday, President Bush will perform the 60th annual "pardoning of the turkey" ritual. "The winning bird will then get a first-class flight to Orlando on a United Airlines jet, and a red-carpet entry to Disney World." WTF?!? I predict a revolt on that flight. Passengers who paid $1200 to sit in first-class next to a wild bird are gonna get pissed. Just you wait and see.

I'm not even sure how to lead into this first news item for this week. It's just too... creepy. According to an article on nj.com, "A man employed by hospitals in Teaneck and Summit has been charged with having sex with a 92-year-old woman's corpse at the Teaneck facility." Anthony Merino, 24, of Manhattan, was arrested Sunday morning after security personnel at Holy Name Hospital observed him engaging in sexual activity with the body in the hospital morgue, authorities said. He was charged with desecrating human remains, a second-degree offense, Bergen County Prosecutor John Molinelli said in a written statement. OK... ok... this is a young guy. And I remember being young and lonely and desperate at times in my 20s. The dating scene sucks. But come on, a 92-year-old corpse? And you know she doesn't smell like roses. How desperate do you have to be where having sex with a corpse is a better option than masturbating?

It's always difficult to get up the energy to dress in a costume for Halloween. When you have little kids like I do, everything involved with getting them ready and the house ready just sucks all of the energy out of me. But if I really wanted to dress in a SCARY costume, the unanimous choice is clear: Hillary! According to an article on app.com, "Once again, Hillary Rodham Clinton leads in a poll. This time, she was top choice when people were asked which major 2008 presidential candidate would make the scariest Halloween costume." 37 percent in an A.P. survey this month chose New York Sen. Clinton, the front-runner among Democratic presidential contenders. Fourteen percent selected former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who leads Republicans in national polls. While a predictable two-thirds of Republicans picked her, she also was the choice of 18 percent of Democrats. That's 18 percent of her OWN party that thought she'd make the scariest costume. Doesn't say much for her, does it?

When I was a kid, the Coke vs. Pepsi commercials were huge. And I remember it being pretty pervasive among my childhood friends exactly which kind of household you lived in: a Coke house or a Pepsi house. We even had taste tests of our own, blindfolding each other and making our friends try all the different sodas in the house. It's nice to see this rivalry is still strong, even among grown men. According to an article on thepittsburghchannel.com, "State police in Indiana County are investigating after a Pepsi employee allegedly assaulted a Coca-Cola employee while making a delivery at a Wal-Mart in White Township on Oct. 1." According to police, Robert Koscho, 48, of Ebensburg, and the Pepsi employee, David Paulina, 42, of Clymer, were bickering back and forth while making their deliveries at the Oakland Avenue store. Police said the two are also accused of trying to run each other over with pallets full of soda bottles. A Coca-Cola representative said that the fight started over shelf space in the aisles of the store. Shelf-space? WTF? It seems that shelf space is very important in a store and companies pay premium prices for a good spot. And if a store doesn't give the right real estate, apparently companies "secretly" tell their employees to kick some ass! Sweet...

Before I got married, I had a variety of roommates, some friends and some not so friendly. When you live in close proximity to someone other than your significant other, bodily smells can be a deal breaker. But is it worth killing your roommate over stinky feet? According to an article on statesman.com, "A 22-year-old man was charged with murder in the fatal stabbing of his roommate after an argument over the suspect's smelly feet." These nimrods were up drinking one night and when of them commented that the other one's feet stunk, he grabbed a knife and stabbed him repeatedly. The two guys lived in a 10 by 10 room that they leased from a married couple. The woman who lived there was outside with her baby when she saw the men fighting. "By the time she got inside, he was on top of the other man," Houston police Sgt. Macario Sosa said. The offended roommate was charged with murder and was being held Monday at Harris County Jail. Now, I've had some smelly roommates but they weren't worth killing. I think if your roommates feet smell bad enough that it makes you want to pull a knife out, then I really think it's time for you to move. Don't you?

Everyone has looked at a certain posh part of the city they live in and wished they could live there. It's only natural. But have you ever wished you could live in a shopping mall? According to an article on cnn.com, "The leader of an artists' cooperative has been sentenced to probation for setting up a secret apartment inside a shopping mall's parking garage as part of a project on mall life." Michael Townsend, 36, said he and seven other artists built a 750-square-foot apartment out of cinder blocks and a fake utility door. And it was completely furnished except for a bathroom. But they used the mall restrooms to wash and pee. Townsend said he was inspired by a Christmastime ad for the mall which featured "an enthusiastic female voice talking about how great it would be if you could live at the mall." Police were so impressed with the idea that they visited the apartment for themselves. Obviously, so they could get dibs on the apartment for "undercover work." The crazy thing is that this apartment was in use for over three years! They were eventually busted by security guards when they were going to install laminated wood flooring to make the apartment "super-sweet."

When I was in my twenties and too poor to buy toilet paper, sometimes my roommates and I would use coffee filters instead. We had a huge package of coffee filters from Sam's that seemed like it was an endless supply. Desperate times deem desperate means. According to an article on cnn.com, "Fond du Lac County Executive Allen Buechel said someone has been repeatedly stealing toilet paper from the men's public bathrooms at the Fond du Lac City County Government Center since June." You have to be pretty poor to steal government-quality toilet paper. Buechel suspects the person comes in once or twice a week around midday and gets about six rolls a week from dispensers. Some rolls weren't even full, he said. Be wary, toilet paper thief. They're on the lookout for you now.

One of the fundamental rights we have as Americans besides free speech and the right to assemble is the right to watch crappy TV. We like to watch everything from talent contests to shows with guys falling off trampolines and getting hit in the balls. So imagine my horror as an American when I read this. According to an article on journaltimes.com, "China has banned television and radio ads for push-up bras, figure-enhancing underwear and sex toys in the communist government's latest move to purge the nation's airwaves of what it calls social pollution." What? That's basic stuff on TV here in the States. What do they have on now? Reruns of General Mao? The article goes on to say that the Chinese government has also banned shows like American Idol and commercials for sex medications. So what's left to watch? Nothing, I tell you. Absolutely nothing.

In my neighborhood, there's a pond a couple of houses down from my house where hundreds of ducks live and breed. Our neighborhood loves the ducks and several neighbors take buckets of food down there and feed them every morning. My daughters love feeding the ducks bread and watching them swim. I couldn't imagine anyone harming these innocent little creatures, even if they were drunk out of their gourd. Check out this asshole. According to an article on helenair.com, "A man was in custody Sunday after police said he ripped the head off a tame duck that lived in a hotel lobby's ornamental pond." Scott D. Clark, a guest at the Embassy Suites Hotel in St. Paul, stalked the poor duck, grabbed the innocent water fowl, and ripped its little head from its body as security guards watched in horror. Clark then turned to onlookers and said: "I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it," St. Paul police Sgt. John Wuorinen said. Wuorinen continued, "He was allegedly drunk." Do you THINK? If convicted, he could face up to two years in prison and a $5,000 fine, said Tim Shields, general counsel with the Minnesota Federated Humane Societies. Shields said the incident was "unconscionable," and that having live ducks in a hotel lobby puts them at risk of being stepped on or run over by suitcases. Or having their innocent heads ripped off by drunk guests.

I'm the cook in my house, so I cook most of the meals for my wife and kids. I go to the store and buy all the groceries and prepare the food myself. If I found any animal parts in my food that weren't supposed to be there in the first place, I would go ballistic. I would sue the pants off the company that made that food, just like this family did. According to an article on abc13.com, "An Iowa family filed a lawsuit seeking damages over a snake head they claim to have found in a can of green beans." Amy Schneider said she found the golf ball-sized snake head when she opened a can of Lakeside Foods-brand green beans. "It was ... yuck, it was really yuck," she said. "It was gross." When she went back to the store to complain, they offered her a handful of coupons for her troubles. "And of course it was for their brand, and I thought, 'I'm never going to buy that product again,"' she said. "I won't ever eat a green bean again, probably." Coupons in exchange for a snake head in my beans? What kind of crap is that? Really?!? Talk about no effort whatsoever. I see money in this families' future, enough to go to Sam's and buy cases of green beans for life.

With all the celebrity television shows watching every move that every celebrity makes, how can a former football star named after a tasty beverage head-up an armed robbery without the sneaky media getting all up in his business? According to an article on excite.com, "An apparent audiotape of O.J. Simpson's standoff with men he accused of stealing his memorabilia begins with the ex-NFL star demanding, 'Don't let nobody out this room. ... Think you can steal my (expletive) and sell it?'" That's right, bitches! O.J. has come for his shit and he's not going to take it. Simpson was then booked and jailed by the Las Vegas police. Simpson claimed that the autographed sports memorabilia was his but that when he originally tried to get police involved that they weren't responsive. "The police, since my trouble, have not worked out for me," the Juice said, noting that whenever he has called the police "It just becomes a story about O.J." Well, O.J., you are one of the most despised celebrities walking the streets.

Mike Riccio set up a meeting with collectors under the guise that he had a private collector interested in buying Simpson's items. Riccio believed Simpson was planning to confront Alfred Beardsley, who was allegedly planning to auction off Simpson memorabilia. Simpson was angry with Beardsley and another collector, Bruce Fromong. During the robbery, Simpson was accompanied by men he met at a wedding cocktail party, and they took the collectibles. Fromong said Simpson was the last of the men to enter the hotel room. "O.J. was the last person I was expecting to see and when I saw him I was just thinking, 'O.J., how can you be this stupid?'" True, Bruce, so true. How stupid can he be? It seems now that the sky's the limit for his stupidity. But what about the men accompanying him that he met at a wedding cocktail party? Who's really the stupid one now, huh? Here's some audio at tmz.com.